holes

I wrote this speech in Grade 8.  It got me to the public speaking finals only to be beaten by Small Patterson.  Meh.  It's funny because I still get asked about this speech today.  Seriously.  Reading it now I don't think it's very good but I guess in Grade 8 after speech upon speech about commercials, vacations, and favorite TV shows this was probably a breath of fresh air.  I lost the second page so it ends rather abruptly.

Holy Holes, Batman! 

     You're listening to me with them.  You're looking at me through them and you're wearing some right now!  I'm talking about holes.  Those wonderful little voids that you see everyday!  They're so useful and so stylish.  They all play important roles in clothing, food, sports, science and even history.
     Did you ever have a hole in your pants?  Or maybe in your stockings or socks.  That's one of the ways that holes embarass you.  See how dominant they are?  But holes can prove useful in clothing.  Buttons couldn't do much without button holes!  And belt loops and adjustment holes, two very successful apertures.  Pockets, which are really holes are handy to keep things in.  But they wouldn't stay on unless a needle (which makes a hole everytime used) and thread sewed them on to the coat or shirt.  Socks and hats are just holes that your feet and head go into.  Shoes are holes too that have openings that the shoe lace goes through.  And earrings go into holes that are made into your ear.  See how useful holes are?
     Have you ever eaten a hole?  Probably.  Some prime examples of foods with holes in them include:  donuts, bagels, penalicci, bread, lifesavers, swiss cheese, english muffins and sometimes cakes.  Holes in donuts and bagels serve no useful purpose known.  The holes in penalicci holds the noodles on your fork.  English muffins have holes to allow the butter to soak through.  Some utensils involved with food also have holes like, teabags.  But they are called perforations.  Straws are just long holes that all you to sip drinks easier.   Cups and mugs are also holes used to hold fluids.  And a dribble glass is a hole with a hole.  You're probably starting to realize that holes are everywhere.
     Fore!  All right!  A hole-in-one!  Holes even play a part in sports.  Basketball's objective is to get the ball into the opposing teams basket, which in reality is a hole.  A bowling ball has a set of holes to put your fingers in while baseball players sit down in their dugout.  Another hole in disguise!  Darts make holes in the dartboard.  And ring toss consists of throwing a hole over a stick.  Soccer has a hole too.  The goal is a hole!  You think there's nothing more to be said of holes!  Wait!
     Besides your eyes and ears and nose and mouth you probaly don't want any more holes in you.  These can be caused by bullets, needles, or surgery.  Surgery and needles are parts of medicine.  Medicine is always researching.  For research you need holes like beakers and test tubes and bottles and eye droppers and of course the garbage can to put mistakes into.  Like mistakes they made while researching pores, the throat, and viens, all holes in the human anatomy!  And don't forget painful holes.  Like in teeth.
     You've heard about holes in apples right?  Made by worms.  Well, what if there was a worm hole in the fruit of the Forbidden Tree?  Maybe Adam would have passed it up and we wouldn't be in trouble!  In geographical history holes are everywhere!  Some scientists believe a meteor wiped out the dinosaurs.  But where is the hole it would have made?  Volcanoes are also very old holes.  The...