Email Darlene Darling!

hi darlene.
lets see if u can help me. since ive moved into my apartment a while ago,  ive killed a total of like 4 mice and now with the cold arriving again, i have yet another rodent. i feel so bad for killing the other ones and i really truly dont wanna kill this one. i believe that when something dies their soul eventually has the choice of coming back. be it a human, animal, or even a tree. when i do my meditating, i light my candles on my makeshift altar, and send my thoughts to the dearly departed. darlene, what do i do? how can i rid this critter? is there an alternative? i dont wanna take a life for no real reason. oh and please dont tell me that the other choice is having to live with it....
please help me.
freezingwarm(the rat king)

Dear Amanda Hugginkiss,

First of all dippy diva, I don’t think you should be throwing doghnuts at anyone!!! This isn’t Holy Chow. I think your eyelashes are glued on a little too tight. Or maybe your ‘press on’ nails are preventing your typing skills to shine through??? As a woman I have to ask… What the hell would ever possess you to WANT to wear pantyhose? First off all you should be shaving your legs, the visual of hairy legs in tights is enough for me to lose my lunch. Shaving is a huge commitment, once you start, you can’t stop. Good luck getting it all with no nicks, blood and pantyhose - not a good combination. Second, pantyhose are quite possibly the most uncomfortable, pain in the butt things to put on. Half dressed, you do a funky chicken dance in the middle of the room just to get them up and once they are, a few deep squats are sure to get out those last few kinks. Where your package goes while all this is taking place is your business, but the shear mechanics of it all is mind boggling. I haven’t met a single female who hasn’t envied the male’s ability to urinate anywhere, anytime and on anything! Yet you want to wrap it up and FedEx it to the nylon cave. Ouch! It’s completely inevitable that your stockings will have a run in them before you even walk out the door. The nail polish is probably still out for the touch ups you’ll have to do since you’ve smudged your nails getting the pantyhose on in the first place. If it’s just a little snag you can probably save them until the night is over. If not, you must repeat this horrible process all over again. Now that you’ve spent an hour getting these on you only have a bit of time for hair, makeup, and getting dressed. Yes, this sounds so appealing doesn’t it? NO! No, it really doesn’t. I’d be frustrated too. Poop, I am frustrated. I’m frustrated that a crumb bum like you would ask such a ridiculous question. My answer… Be a true friend tell your buddy to quit, save him while there is still time. As for you, if it’s prizes you want, it’s prizes I’ve got. I have officially named you the dumbest person to ever ask Darlene for advice. Where the crown well and wear it proud, you have definitely earned it!

Dear Darlene
I am the antichrist. I'm supposed to bring on the end of the world this week but
lately I've had no motivation to do anything but sit around the house and watch
recorded episodes of "Providence" all day. I don't even feel evil anymore. help
me....

Dear Marilyn Manson Wanna Be,

It is suggested that the Antichrist is the perfect villain. To a couple people, so is Mr. Manson. Both characters are elusive, asymmetrical, and dangerously potent. Both are catalysts to the examination of American values. Both prophets of their own beliefs, and both legends.

Pop quiz: Is Marilyn Manson the Antichrist?
And the answer is… No. Neither are you superstar. Not anymore.

Much to your dismay, your desire to bring a turnabout, disorder and other such undesired qualities to the human condition has been extracted from you in the form of your fat ass laziness and addiction to this sappy, not to mention girly, NBC drama. The fact that you’ve chosen Providence as your tool is no coincidence though, no, it’s damn spooky.

Dr. Sydney Hansen entered the field of cosmetic surgery with noble ambitions, but several years of performing collagen lip treatments and nose jobs for celebrities and over-privileged teenagers in Los Angeles began to erode her sense of purpose. Sydney’s disenchantment with her career combined with a relationship breakup and a family crisis prompted her to move back to the safe haven of Providence to find fulfillment working in a low-income medical clinic.

Don’t you see it?!? YOU are her! Manson, Hansen - coincidence??? I think not my little beast. You think that laser at the end of your remote is carefully fulfilling your request and selection on the boob tube, but every time you point and shoot, that’s one less evil fiber in your being. You are going through a transition, just like Sydney did. You’re tired of being evil and just want everyone to get along. You have found your safe haven. It’s all in the comfy pajamas, fuzzy slippers and big bowl ‘o popcorn while you watch TV (your portal to the good side).

Syd, can I call you that? You’ve made a wise choice, just go with it, work with it, be one with it! Oh yeah - don’t try to deny the slippers and PJ thing either, your Mommy told me.

Dear Darlene,

Hey, I have a query. There is a man, his name is Hank, really it is. He sits on the other side of one of those office dividers of my desk. Very quiet man and all, except for one tiny problem. HE FARTS! At first I thought, OH MY, just keep working, he let one slip, no big deal don't embarrass the poor man just ignore it. It kept happening, I thought it must be only after he eats his lunch or something but no, 8am Hank's farting, 5pm he's still farting. Of course Hank is sitting at his desk so the fart has to squeak out from the chair which makes it even worse! Does he not think I can hear him. He must, he knows what I say when I'm on the phone, I hear every word he says. Why would a piff be any different?? Actually this is no piff were talking about Darlene, its more of a high pitch brrrrrfffff. GROSS! What should I do? Should I fart back so he hears how awful it sounds and how uncomfortable it makes him? People walk by my desk and hear the noise, but they look at ME, they think its ME. What should I do??? Post a sign that says ATTENTION: Please fart on your own time not ours. MUCK! What should I do?

Waiting to Inhale, in Detroit

Dear Breathless in Detroit,

I’m very sorry to hear about your misfortune. Sending a message from below, at anytime is embarrassing for everyone involved. The important thing to realize here is that everyone does it. You, me, your mom, even the Queen, everyone tunes their tuba. Yet, it troubles me that a man would be so free about his gas in an office setting…
Perhaps you’ve heard of a product called BeanoÓ. A few drops will sotto voce most musical fruits. Even tablets exist for the more self-conscious restaurant diner. Leave some on his desk or in his mailbox, this will let him know the office is well aware of him being – a loose canon. If he’s at all concerned about his “problem” and the air quality of the office, he’ll give it a whirl.
If Hank decides to discards your gift without any consideration, then he’s just plain rude. That leaves you no choice. You must fart back. Start with a piff, just to say, “Hey, I’m here”. If it doesn’t seem to have any impact, then let ‘er rip. Hank will definitely hear it and since your co-workers think it’s you anyways, you have nothing to lose. Hopefully Hank understands the message you’re sending and realizes how uncomfortable his brrrrrfffff’s are making everyone.
I sincerely hope everyone tries to keep their tootie polluties to themselves, to avoid any future problems of this nature. We’ve all learned a valuable lesson today and may we all breathe a little deeper for having read this.
 

hello advice person. my name is freezingwarm. i need advice. "how would i go about finding happiness again?"

Freezing in Basement

Dear Boilingcool,

Gee sad person, first of all I want to thank you for asking such a simple, easy, straight forward question. What the hell! Do you want the Caramilk secret while I’m at it? Should I let you see the Loch Ness monster or should I just tell you tomorrow’s lottery numbers?
Alright, you asked for advice, so let’s see… You asked how to go about finding happiness again. This would indicate a happier time in your life, when you were once content. You should ask yourself then, what was it that made you happy and can you get it back.
Was it the Smurfs on Saturday mornings? Was it the pens that used to have four different colors and you just had to push down the one that you wanted to use? Maybe it was the Styrofoam containers McDonalds used. (They were always fun to bite your teeth into.)
Try the following:
#1: Ask yourself what makes you happy now.
You’re bound to come up with a few ideas. These are things you have to do and do them often. Don’t worry, no one has ever really gone blind before.
#2: Eliminate the negative in your life.
Like wearing briefs. Tighty whities are no good for your overall happiness let alone your boys. You must free yourself from life’s restricting burdens – on all levels.
#3: If all else fails create another problem with an easier solution.
Drink yourself silly. You’ll be the happiest person alive after a few brown pops (at least you’ll think you are and you’ll be glad to debate that with anyone who dares to question you.) The next day you’ll feel like you ate a can of crushed assholes and your overall happiness will be the least of your worries. A toothbrush and a nice tall glass of agua will be all you need to find happiness again.

Good Luck!