Toronto sucks.  Large.

I think Andrew WK said it best when he said “I love New York City, oh yeah. New York City.” Lately there’s been a load of balloon juice coming out of Toronto about world class city this and world class city that. I’ve also been seeing a disturbing trend in Toronto lately: Naming things after things that already exist in New York or trying to co-opt New York nicknames and stuff. For example, CityTV promos naming Toronto as "the City that Never Sleeps" and Rick Campanelli referring to Dundas Square as "Times Square North." Anyway, a list like this shouldn't even be necessary but it's for the benefit of Torontonians who have never left Toronto and actually believe that they're New York North or whatever the hell it is they believe. It's an insult to NYC to have to do this at all.  Do you hear what I'm saying?  I'm physically ill that Torontonians even entertain the possibility that they are anything New York-like AT ALL!  BY ANY MEASURE TORONTO IS NOTHING COMPARED TO NEW YORK CITY!

 
Subway
Toronto There are 2 lines. One goes north-south, the other goes east-west. It’s actually possible to diagram the entire subway map with an underlined U: U
New York There are hundreds of miles of rail under the city. Under Grand Central alone the tunnels go more than 7 stories deep. People live down there. Check out Dark Days. It’s a documentary about the Mole People. The annual ridership of the NYC Subway System tops out at 1.3 billion with a b. Toronto doesn’t make the top 10 list of systems with the most riders. The System has 468 stations and its own police force:  The Transit Authority.
Winner:  New York
Bus Terminal
Toronto The Toronto bus terminal has 12 bays and the “Kramden Café.” (named after a fictional New York bus driver. Hmm.). It still has public lockers.
New York The Port Authority spans 2 4-story buildings and has over 800 bays. Buses pull in and out 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No public lockers. No Kramden Café. New York ranks number one in the world for bus transportation with 666 million riders. You can’t even use paper money on a New York City bus because the fare boxes are emptied with giant vacuum hoses that would shred the money.
Winner:  Though the public lockers are nice, they’re also attractive to terrorists and drug dealers. New York wins this one.
Professional Sports Championships
Toronto The Blue Jays have won 2 pennants I believe. The Leafs have 13 cups that were all won in a 6 team league.
New York Up until the Dodgers left, New York had 3 professional baseball team and up until the Giants left they had 4.  FOUR BASEBALL TEAMS.  Luckily, one of the remaining teams is the Yankees. The most winningest team of any kind in history.
Winner:  Not even looking for any other championships by NY teams we get New York as a clear winner with 26 championships alone for the Yanks.
Fashion District
Toronto A couple of blocks of old sewing machine hospitals and a button wholesaler.
New York Supermodels as far as the eye can see. If you’re not careful, you’ll get run over by a ‘train’. (A guy pushing a long series of clothing racks to a show.
Winner:  New York
Theater
Toronto Ed Mirvish presents straight from Broadway: the Lion King!
New York There’s a broken heart for every beautiful, glimmering light on Broadway!
Winner:  New York
Most Colourful Mayor
Toronto Mayor Lastman once sold a refrigerator to an Eskimo.
New York Mayor Laguardia used to wake up early on Sunday mornings to read the comics to children on the radio.
Winner:  I’ll give this a grudging tie.
Nick Names
Toronto Hogtown, the Big Smoke, T.O..
New York The Big Apple, Gotham, The City that Never Sleeps, the Naked City, The Capital of the World, Metropolis.
Winner:  New York
Shopping
Toronto Queen Street between John and Spadina. Look for the “SOHO” condominiums.
New York Park Ave., the actual SOHO, the Diamond District, the Village, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Tiffany's, the world's largest toy store is Toys R Us in Times Square.
Winner:  New York
Diversity
Toronto I once went a day in Toronto without seeing anything but white people.
New York I once rode a train downtown and in one car there were conversations in three different languages being held.
Winner:  New York
Vendor Dogs
Toronto Grilled, lots of fresh toppings.
New York Steamed. The basic three toppings.
Winner:  I want to give this to New York because I’m all about the speed but Stars insists Toronto and they need a point.
Celebrities
Toronto Biggest celebrity you’re likely to see: Rick the temp.
New York Biggest celebrity you’re likely to see: Jesus when he makes his return right in the centre of the free world at 42nd and Broadway.
Winner:  New York
Population
Toronto Metropolitan area: 2,000,000
New York Metropolitan area: 20,000,000.
Winner:  New York
Name
Toronto Formerly, the city of York.
New York The New and improved York.
Winner:  New York
Architecture
Toronto Spans 20 years. Lots of concrete and glass. City Hall is affectionately known as “The Jolly Green Giant’s Urinal.”
New York Spans 400 years. New York has torn down more great architecture than Toronto has ever had. If you don’t believe that check out pics of the original Penn Station.
Winner:  New York
Best Street
Toronto Yonge Street. The longest, dirtiest, ugliest street in the world.
New York Broadway. The most exciting, thrilling, best looking street anywhere.
Winner:  New York
Financial Centre
Toronto Bay St. The TSE is housed in a nameless building. But that’s okay because the TSE consists of nothing but nameless computers.
New York Wall St. Hundreds of men and women in color-coded jackets milling around a paper strewn floor using sign language to complete million dollar deals while huge brass conduits pipe more data a second than the entire Toronto telephone network generates in a day.
Winner:  New York
Music Venues
Toronto The Horseshoe.
New York CBGBs.
Winner:  New York
Signature Musical Group
Toronto The Barenaked Ladies
New York The Ramones
Winner:  This is getting pretty gay.
Popular Songs
Toronto I can’t think of a one.
New York Too numerous to mention all of them but here are a few: New York, New York, New York’s My Home, On Broadway, etc. etc. etc.   Check out Songs of New York by Mel Torme or  New York Songs on Rhino.
Winner:  New York
Public Spaces
Toronto Dundas Square.
New York Times Square.
Winner:  Please.
Self View
Toronto THE MEGACITY, Center of the Universe, World Class City.
New York Many residents refer to New York as “This town.”
Winner:  New Yorkers know that if you have to say you're a world class city it probably ain't.
Boroughs
Toronto Etobicoke, Mississauga, North York etc.
New York Brooklyn, The Bronx, Queens etc.
Winner:  Are you even listening?
Sister Cities
Toronto Chicago
New York Beijing, Budapest, Cairo, Jerusalem, Johannesburg, London, Madrid, Rome, Santo Domingo and Tokyo
Winner:  AIEIEIEIEIEIEI!
Public Spaces
Toronto Dundas Square
New York Times Square, Bryant Park, Central Park, Washington Square...
Winner:  NYC wins on Bryant Park alone nevermind Times Square, Central Park and all the rest.  Bryant Park boasts movable chairs, chess tables, free wifi, the best public bathroom in America, dates back to 1686 and is entirely funded by private funds!
RESULTS:  Toronto 1, New York 22.  Winner:  New York.

Next up, Toronto vs. London.

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