chessthecat.com

Supervixen

Preface

Back before the web there were zines. And this was one of the zines I made. The other being Bonezine. Reading Supervixen now makes me shiver it's so bad. It's just an awful mess. I was obviously clinically insane and I couldn't write for shite. And I'm not saying that to be cute or coy; it's really crap. But I posted it anyway just to be complete. And I kept it pretty much the way it was printed. I decided against breaking up that huge block of text about Garbage to give you a better idea of how absolutely crazy I was. It looks like the rant of a madman.

Free!
This ish:
Garbage
Comix
Girl Skaters
The A-Team
The Front of My Fridge
The Skull Game
and lots more!

Spew

Thanks for picking up a copy of Supervixen. Maybe you picked up an extra copy to give to ~~your~~ a friend. If not run back now and do so. I'll wait right here. OK. Now don't you feel better. I know I do. I'm really proud of my non-existent psychic powers that don't enable me to sense when you go back for another issue. Anygoo. You might think that this zine is named after the Garbage song but you'd only be mostly right on that. You see, the zine is named after the shirt named after the song. Or maybe more accurately the girl that I hope will one day inhabit the shirt. It's my favorite piece of property right now. It is Shirley Manson to me. And no I don't sleep with the shirt. Not yet anyway. I got it at the Pumpkins (suck) with Garbage date in Buffalo. Garbage rocked so hard. I had in mind that I would have to buy a Supervixen shirt when I got there. I first saw it at the Opera House when I saw Shirley and her boys but, same 'ol, same 'ol: no cash on hand. So I got one in Buffalo. It's so small. And pink. And on the back it says Supervixen and - here's the best part - I got Shirley to sign the back. She signed it in black marker and marked a little x underneath. Great. (Note: whenever you see the word "great" printed here you must make sure you pronounce it with a thick Socttish brogue: "Grrr-ate". Really roll that gr sound. Thanks.) So now here I am with this shirt but thing is I don't really know anyone who could wear it. So now I feel like fucking Prince Charming minus the Prince and minus the Charming, roaming the urban landscape looking for a girl who would qualify as a Supervixen. (And really any girl qualifies as a Supervixen.) And would be willing to try on the shirt to see if it fits. Then of course we'd have to be going out because I need to see the shirt once and a while. So anyone out there who thinks they may qualify and who isn't afraid to show her midriff, well let's talk. Put on the shirt and you will have a zine named after you. Is that not cool?

Girls. They kick ass. Especially the Riot grrrl variety. Girls. (Just one more favor. When you say "girls" make sure you brogue it up. Roll that r and use a flat a sound instead of the i. G-arls. Thanks a ton. There's no doubt that they kick ass. Girls what's up with you? Equal rights? Why would you ever want to condescend to the level of a guy? Guys suck so bad. Except maybe Jay Miron. But I mean the guy rocks the freestyle street course. I think he's missing his rotator cuff from his shoulder or sumpin'. And yeah, I am a guy. I like girls so much that I support and encourage homosexual guys (sidebar: Personally, I'll never ever never ever understand how a guy could look at, fall in love with etc a guy? HELLO? I just can't comprehend shit like that.). The more of them the better for us heterosexual guys. Hey I may be insensitive but at least I'm not homophobic. But then again lesbians could turn out to be a real problem for us. But of course I can understand that. Hell. I know if I was a girl I'd be a lesbian. I also know what I think I might wear and how'd I fix my hair but I guess you don't want to hear about that stuff. I know I wouldn't want to hear some guy spouting off about it if he'd wear glossy or matte or whatever lipstick. (By the way I think I'd just use lip gloss myself.) And I don't want to be a girl. I just think way too much. That's all. It's also a lot of stuff like walking by a store window, seeing a dress or something that I know would look great on a girl and then thinking: I'd wear that if I was a girl. Harmless. Right? Of course. I'm just joshing with you. This zine thing is going to save me a bundle in therapy.

Falling Down

I have a bike. A GT RTS. And man, almost nothing can match the feeling you get when everything's coming together and you're hitting all the jumps and stuff dead on. A surfer would call it getting liquid I guess. I'm say I'm clicking. But there's this problem you know. K. Say I'm speeding down the trail there and I see a drop-off or something up ahead. Hmm. Looks a little high I say. It's way too high I know. Three, four, meters. Better slow down and tech it down. But then I see a girl standing there. What happens next? Well Tom Sawyer suddenly invades my body and thinks that he sees Becky standing by. Go faster he says. Take the cliff he says. Your technology will save you he beams. Your helmet will protect you he prides. Done and done. Check the clock. 40 klicks. This'll be great. I wish I was filming this. But freaking Mr. Cool grabs himself a great example of an OTB and a concussion. No one is impressed by this. Technology didn't save shite. Helmet cracked. Tom releases me. What's left of my brain starts coming back on-line. Smooth. I'm sure the faceplant looked cool. Maybe even cooler than if I had executed the jump. But man does my head hurt. And who's gonna straighten my spokes?

Rock/Bike Lessons. $19. (905)555-5926. Some girls gave me this number.

Garbage

I guess you figured it out. Garbage is my favorite band. And I absolutely worship Shirley Manson. Well this section will always have some Garage news, concert reviews, stories, band info or whatever.

The Shirley Story. PART 1

Disclaimer. During the span of this article please realize that I want to relate every single tiny detail of my thoughts on Shirley but that would be impossible. The average male thinks about sex every 9 seconds. I think about Shirley every 3 seconds. So. I will begin by just typing up a couple of my major brushes with Shirley. And yes. I am obsessed. Hee-hee.

I remember when I first opened up the album. It was in a booth at Harvest Burger. I looked inside and saw the picture of Shirley with her fingers in her mouth and said "I don't know if I can like her. She looks a little strange." But within a week I was in love with her as anyone could be with someone they have never really met. I was so naive back then. Didn't know she was Scottish. Saw her on the New Music. Didn't even know her name then. I remember I was so excited that I called my friend and told him that her name was Shirley Manson. Seems so strange now to think about it. A time where the name Shirley Manson was foreign to me. She was talking about her AR guy. "The only time I had trouble with an AR guy was this one who turned out to be a male prostitute! Yeah! His picture was in the paper and everything. He was caught with his pants down servicing a woman!" First article I bought was Spin. Then came 2 Melody Makers, an NME, Select, I-D, and Details. Also have some stuff off the Net someone gave me and a newspaper article. I love to read about her. How she pokes Eddie with forks. Her ten commandments are now the ten commandments to me. (See Details July 1996). The article that I read that let me in on what she was like was "The Filth Amendment" in NME March 16 1996. I couldn't believe the stuff she was saying. Some of it made me want to cry. But really where do I begin? There is so much to write in this article. I guess I'll try to do it chronologically as close as I can but be warned that I won't remember everything at once so the article will probably turn out very disjointed and this isn't ar un-on sentence so there. Well I bought my album at Cheapies and in the Garbage section was an album called Angelfish. Well back then I had no clue so I ignored it. Read the Spin article figured out that Anglefish was indeed Shirley Manson material. In a panic I gathered up some credit and got the album for $22 plus tax. (Later found used copy at Dr. Disc for $8. But I would want 2 copies anyway.) Got home, loved that too. It's her voice. She says there's nothing sensual or sexual about it. She says it's due to her asthma. I say whatever. Her voice is so amazing I eventually picked up Goodbye Mr. MacKenzie too. Just to be complete. Got a GBMM promotional tape too. GBMM is really bad but if you're a Shirley fan you must have it. It's fun to pick her out singing the backups and playing the keyboards. And her picture is on the cover so...Well eventually I got the Mushroom records Only Happy When It Rains single. When I first heard Girl Don't Come I knew immediately that that song was going to be one of my favorites. Now I have almost all the Mushroom singles. Save one. Subhuman. Dr. Disc is working on that for me. I know, I know I should have that by now but I have only seen it once. Had it in my hand. Had to buy a second copy of the album though because I was going to be an in store. So at least I ended up with a copy of the album singed by all the members of the band. Steve asked me how I was. "Pardon?" I asked. I was so nervous and I didn't really hear what he had said. The crossing of my reality and their reality really made me think. I almost left. I couldn't believe it was really happening. Hours before I checked out the store to see the setup. They had a huge Garbage sign near a desk with a pink feather boa strung along the edge of it. When I cam back for the signing the line was pretty long. I was a little nervous because I still had to get to the concert. I knew that as long as the band was still there I was safe but I really wanted to get up close. Some girls behind me had the same concern. One girl told me her friend wanted to dye his hair chrome so people could see himself in his head. Cool. But boy am I glad I stayed. Vishnu from the Edge was there with some vinyl and ponchos with the Garbage logo stamped on them. She worked her way around the line asking Shirley trivia. By the time she got to us the vinyl was all gone but I still had a chance to win a poncho. Vishnu: "Shirley was in a band..." and already people's hands went up. She picked 4 people randomly and I made a real sad face to make sure she picked me. I couldn't believe I won it. It's blue. Hanging on a hanger on a hook in my room. It's awesome. Also buddy was walking around with really great Garbage stickers and giving 'em out. Every time he came by I pretended I didn't get one so I ended up with 4 of em. Finally we got inside. There she was in a tiny pink shirt and black jeans I guess. Hair down. She was last on the far left with Butch beside her then Duke and Steve. All of them in black. My hand was shaking so bad when I handed her the liner notes to sign. Especially when she looked up at me. My knees were buckling. Also I went to Richardson's Tartan Shoppe earlier and had a Kiss Me, I'm Scottish bumper sticker across my chest. But my rain coat was kind of covering it. When she handed it back to me I gushingly thanked her and my hand shook so much I touched her finger! When I got back to the street - and this is no joke - I almost fainted. I honestly felt my knees give. Before all this happened though I had seen her at MuchMusic. Got off the bus and ran all the way down Queen to John. Only a couple of people were there. Got myself positioned in the center window with my face right against the glass. But they weren't there yet. Sook-Yin came over with a sign she made "Garbage won't be playing today. Just the interview. Sorry" Since I didn't know they had planned to play I didn't really care. A grey van pulled up and I took a look. And that was it. The first time I ever saw Shirley Manson in the flesh. She got out first and walked right into the front door. Inside I saw them all sit down and hook up their mics for the interview. Shirley looked over at the window and waved to us and everyone else waved backed or made the "woo" sound. But I was too stunned. I just made this big dopey smile. We could hear what they were saying outside on the speakers and I can remember a lot of it. Also I saw bits of it again on the first and second Garbage spotlights. The first spotlight tape is missing but on the second you can see me at the window. After they left the building they just walked right out the front again and Shirley ran across the street. I couldn't believe any of this was happening. That's when security told us they had planned to sign autographs there (again I didn't about that_ but they were kind of tired so just show up at the in store at 7.00pm. Anyway she went into the shoe store across the street to shop for shoes. John Fluevog's Shoes or whatever. Big MuchMusic security guard told us that she wanted to shop so don't go in there. So of course I didn't. One girl had to though and walked right in. All the time Steve was outside talking to the Polera guy. I figured that out later because his purple suede shoes. Then Shirley came out and another girl got a picture. The best part though was when she tried to cross Queen to the MuchMusic parking lot. She was hanging on to Duke's arm and made it to the middle of the street and said something to Duke. Probably about the traffic. I couldn't believe it. If anyone could stop traffic I knew it was Shirley but people weren't stopping. I guess if she can't though, nobody can. Then I position myself right by the fence so she would have to walk right by me. And she did. Then I hung onto the fence watching her leave. And hung on some more as they left. I was so stunned that I wandered around with no clue where I was going. 'Til I shook off the feeling somewhere near the Hudson's Bay Company. Well then I went to the signing. After that I ran to the Opera House and was disappointed to see a line. I was sure I wasn't going to get that close. Then I saw all the shirts and necklaces and stickers and whatever for sale and wished that I had money. To this day I haven't seen that Queer shirt again. And I saw the Supervixen shirt for the first time. Wanted it bad. Got inside and low and behold got right up to the barricade. Couldn't believe it. Couldn't wait. Polera was pretty good though. I liked the girl. She wore a Catholic School soccer jersey. Her number was 13. Ultra-cool. Then the roadies started setting up for Garbage. Unveiled the drum with the logo on it. Put up the pink mic stand with the feather boa on it. I was so freaking excited. Then the 3 guys came out. 5 seconds later Shirley stomps out belting out Queer. It was so rocking. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Well a couple times I made sure to glance at Steve because he was doing a great job. And during Trip My Wire I made eye contact with Duke. Watched Butch with admiration for a spell too. But Shirley in her short black skirt, big boots,and pink short sleeve was really awesome. she would tease the audience by bending down almost within reaching distance but then quickly pull away. The thing is I can remember so many details of that night. What movements she did in what songs and stuff. Like in Supervixen when she sings "You're not the only one", she looked up and pointed skyward. For Milk she grabbed the mic near her belly and just stuck to it. Some guy threw his shoe on stage. Shirley saw it later, picked it up and stuck it near the drum set. Had a drink of water between songs. Then a guy shouts: "Hey Shirley, that's my friend's shoe. So she goes over, gets the shoe and looks at it at eye-level: "How'd it get up here? Such a charming shoe. Should I give it back?" Of course I was shouting no. It looked like she might throw it at the guy's head. She did pass it back though. After she sang Stupid Girl she said "Really that song should have been Stupid Boy but you know. Well I don't want my sisters out there to think I'm dissing them so here's one for you girls who dast." Then she sang Trip My Wire. She always makes a disclaimer for Stupid Girl. They also sang Subhuman but not #1 Crush. I kept shouting "Sing Girl Don't Come". And they did. For the encore. I was in heaven. Before they began the encore Shirley said "Well I'm sorry but this will have to be the last one. Because we don't know anymore songs!" That's when I was thinking that she did one more: "Girl Don't Come" because I didn't think they would play that. But of course they did. She was just so cool. Sometimes when security was pulling a surfer out Shirley would sing a lyric at them. Some guy actually had some Queer lyrics sung at him. I was so jealous. Well when the concert was over I knew I had to meet her. I had planned to try my hardest but I didn't know what to do so I just headed for the buses. Only a few people were waiting there. I had already touched the bus before I went in to the show just to say I had. Anyway, Duke came out of the bus smoking a cigarette. And of course the people moved over towards him and wanted him to sign stuff. But then out of the side door with hair up now and in her black jacket came Shirley, hands above her head saying "Thanks for coming." I was moving towards Duke but ran over to Shirley as soon as I saw her. At the time someone must have said something funny to her because she grabbed his shoulders and bent at the knees laughing. I wished I was that guy. I still do. I couldn't believe how close I was to her though. She was right there. Hardly anyone else was around. 2 people tops. I was looking right at her. She was signing a ticket stub using her knee to keep it flat. She was a foot away. I began to search for my stub but I couldn't find it. She could see that and said to me: "So do you have something for me to sign then?" "I can't find it Shirley" said I. "Obviously. But then I did find it and said "Shirley!" and handed it to her. After she signed it I knew I wanted to say more but what I had to say would take hours so I thought up something quick "Shirley, Girl Don't Come is my favorite song", "Thanks, It's one of my favorites too" "Cool" I said realizing right away how silly that sounded considering what she had said in her interview at MuchMusic hours before. . Then I ran off happy as a incredibly happy thing. Well we only had a couple of minutes to catch the bus back to Hamilton so we really had to boot it. But officially I didn't feel as thought I had left the concert for another four days. And I still remember a lot of it. And you know what's weird? When you worship someone like that and then you meet them and then you call them by their name like you know them or something. Like at the in store I said "Thanks a lot Shirley" like we were best friends or something. But I can't really call her Miss Manson, now can I? Another good example of that is when I talked to Butch Vig in Buffalo. That was July 2. Got the tickets from National Tickets. Got to the Aud a little late though. Shirley was already on stage with her guitar strapped on. It's weird, she only plays guitar for one number that I know of and I have seen them live twice but for the life of me I can't remember which track that is. If anyone can help me on this please do. Well, we stumbled to our seats and sat down. Between numbers figured out that we were in the wrong seats. Two rows too close. But we stayed anyway. When I looked up at where our seats were, the guy above had his legs on them so I just decided to wait 'til buddy came and kicked us out. Which he never did. Well Shirley had on a black short sleeve, hair down, and either pink or maybe orange (light was kind of bad) mini skirt with black stockings. She also had the coolest clunky heels on. They absolutely rocked. She did some great improv in Only Happy When It Rains, Supervixen, and Vow. Especially Vow. But that is one of my favorite songs. And of course they played Girl Don't Come. Anyway as soon as they left I ran out to try and find her. Got down to the main level and looking down saw big black equipment cases marked with the Garbage logo. Security guy was watching the staircase but he just let us by so I guess he wasn't really watching it. But of course backstage was guarded by another guard who wouldn't let anyone by. One fan there had flowers for Shirley. He made made sure to explain to the head roadie guy that he wasn't obsessed but that he just really liked Shirley a hole lot and would die if she would sign his shirt. (I made sure to explain that I was indeed obsessed and would also die for an autograph.) Well they couldn't help us they said. So we just waited and waited. We could hear the Pumpkins sarting their set but I didn't care. I just stayed right there. Finally one roadie told us who to talk to. So we talke to the nice man and he told us that as soon as he was done in the bathroom he would take our stuff to get signed. So I gave him my Angelfish album cover and my Supervixen shirt. 20 minutes later he came back with our stuff all signed. She even put a little x underneath them. Two fake kisses from Shirley! And four autographs total now. Well we went up to see the Pumpkins and suddenly I remembered something that instantly made me sad. I had forgot to give the guy a card I had for Shirley. It was a postcard and on the front it had a cute drawing of a guy and a girl holding hands with a little heart between them and the words You Make Me Happy written underneath. Well I had read that while on tour Shirley starts to feel unattractive without human contact and that even something simple like a hug can help her. So on the back of the card I wrote: "Good for 1 Free Hug or 1 Super-Duper Backrub." Then I wrote my ticket number on the back so I could prove it was mine. (My original plan was to throw it on stage right after she came out.) Well anyway I felt real bad. So I was wandering around again near backstage not even noticing really where I was. Then I couldn't believe what I was seeing. While the Pumpkins were upstairs playing their 3rd encore Butch Vig was walking right at me. No one seemed to know who he was. He started going out the door and I called "Butch! Butch!" He turned around and I gave him the card asking if he could give it to Shirley. "Sure!" he said. Then he took a look at it and laughed. I can't wait for her to collect or whatever.

Where to write to Shirley Manson

Garbage
Box 3282
Madison, WI
53704
USA

Garbage c/o Mushroom Records
PO Box 4226
London SW6 2XG
United Kingdon

Angelfish c/o Radioactive Records
8570 Hedges Place
Los Angeles, CA
90069

Email Garbage at:
subhuman@garbage.com

The Skull Game

I'm 21. But this guy who never met me before thought I looked 16. Then again his name was Bubba. The thing is I would set my emotional age at around 15. If. The way I know this is that I still that the Skull game is a fun game to play. (That and the fact that I still don't have any cavities.) Now this is a game that a bunch of girls would never play if they were together and had nothing to do. But for you girls who wonder what guys think up this will be a real treat. So we're at this guy's house once and we find this cool glow-in-the-dark skull mask. It was spooky and had a black hood attached to the top. So of course buddy sticks the mask on and we turn the lights off and hide. A la hide-and-seek the Skull guy starts looking for us in the dark. Now this is the closest you will ever get to being chased by a skeleton monster. So you can imagine the fear as the Skull crawls right by you. You can see him but he can't see you. So I'm hiding under the coffee table and Skull is way over by the couch. The first victim of the Skull: Someone is caught. Turn the lights back on. That ~~was~~ is fun. Did I quote 15 as my emotional age. Better make that 8. Just to be safe. And I wonder why I can't meet girls. Hmmm. I guess that's the real mystery. If I know it's not right why don't I care? And when will I grow up? Fuck. Never I hope.

(Anyone who wants to play just ask. I promise you the best game of Skull you ever had.)

The Front of My Fridge

I have a bar fridge in my room. Filled with cans of Coke. I can't remember the make of the fridge and a Saint Etienne sticker is over the nameplate. I could look for my manual. Fuk. That should be on my desk or something and not tucked away! What if I suddenly forgot how to operate my fridge? I might forget that one must open the door before removing my beverage. Better get right on that. Really though other than the need for cold Coke (I drink an average of about 5 a day. right now it's 2.30 in the morning. You do the math.) my fridge is my tertiary bulletin board. I have a regular bulletin board above my blackboard and a second by my desk. But they are packed with docs, stickers, cards, pictures, and letters. A lot of stuff ends up on the fridge now. I love lists so I will now list for you every single item that is on the front of my fridge door! Please bear in mind the list can only include the top layer of items. I don't really want to tear it up. Hmmm. Now I see that I wrote that I would list every single item. I even bolded it. Too bad. Too bad.

From top left top layer to bottom right bottom layer as near can be:
1.   Master Copy stickers on the handle.
2.   A handbill announcing DJ Skinny will be at the X-Club. Ernie and Bert are on it.
3.   2 Festival booster stickers from Earthsong.
4.   A Local Rabbits: You Can't Touch This card.
5.   A Dr. Disc newsletter with Sandy Johnson's picture on it. Mmm. Sandy Johnson.
6.   A Strawman sticker.
7.   A Freewheel business card.
8.   A mass of Spiderman bubblegum stickers.
9.   A St. Etienne sticker from the front of So Tough.
10. A picture of Shirley Manson.
11. An American flag.
12. A Calvin and Hobbes cartoon.
13. Ticket stub from the Greater Hamilton Tattoo.
14. A picture of Shirley Manson.
15. A Nirvana card. The pic from the inside of the Nevermind album.
16. A Chibi Moon sticker.
17. Two never used tickets to the May 4 Lush concert at the Opera House.
18. A Tristan Psionic sticker.
19. Ticket stub from the Pumpkins w/Garbage concert in Buffalo July 2.
20. A Farside cartoon.
21. "Chicago" label from chocolate cigarettes.
22. Marine recruiter's business card. There're 3 great stories behind that.
23. Reproduction of the Garbage album cover.
24. A Moon Solider (sic) sticker.
25. Sailor Moon sticker.
26. Handbill with Sandra Bullock on it for Club 644.
27. A picture of a bagpipe-playing Scot.
28. Big picture of Shirley Manson. (The one from the inside of the Garbage album.)
29. Picture of Shirley Manson I drew for another zine. Looks like a 2 year old drew it.
30. Kindersurprise insert listing all the different butterfly models available.
31. A green cat sticker.
32. A Maakies cartoon about that crow guy, Drinky I think his name is, getting drunk or something.
33. A kick-ass picture of a girl with a kilt and knee socks.
34. "Kiss me: I'm Scottish" bumpersticker.
35. SPCA fridge magnet.
36. Tiny review of the Rentals.
37. Handbill advertising some dance something. Looks cool. Gold foil on paper.
38. Presidents of the United States of America thing.
39. Picture of Shirley Manson.
40. Picture of some guy on a kick-ass mountain bike.
41. Picture of the Scot: Donna Shaw.
42. Chibi Moon sticker.
43. Some stickers. A couple more Spiderman ones and some generic ones.
44. A red 102.1 sticker.

On the Side of My Fridge

1. Gil White Poster: "Europe and the World on 84 cents a day"
2. A purple 102.1 sticker.

On the Other Side of My Fridge

1. Renoir calendar page.

The whole thing is held together by tape and a couple of cheap fridge magnets that I had to cut up to make more. You may be wondering why I don't have any Garbage stickers on my fridge. I keep those in a book on top of my fridge: "Pyschology and Life". I have three different kinds. Of my favorite kind I have 4 copies. I can't bring myself to stick them anywhere though. I would stick one up with a magnet but I don't have any more. I can't believe what a chore it is to find freaking fridge magnets. The dollar stores can't help me out. I just want an 8 or so pack of cheesy fridge magnets. The kind that look like little vegetables or something. Please. Send any magnets or stickers to me and I will stick them on my fridge. Then we will be fridge brothers. Thank-you. Thank-you? What the fuck am I? Bartles and Jaymes?

Import. The Story of the Scot.

When she left I felt real sad inside. You see, a Scot came to visit us. A Scot. A wondrous creation. And let me preface all this right now by saying I liked this Scot way before I found out Shirley was from Edinburgh. And no, I wasn't trying to meet her so I could pretend she was Shirley. Besides no one else is Shirley. Shirley is my inspiration. Shirley is proof that God exists. Shirley is the end result of 4 billion years of Earth history. Back to my story. Donna was her name. Played football (soccer). Said funny Scot things. Really. I'm starting to tear up here. Maybe I'll continue this later. Maybe I won't.

Tribute to the A-Team

Why don't they bring the A-Team back on the air? (And I don't mean at 3.00am in the summer.) With the Face and the Facemobile? Howlin' Mad Murdoch and my personal fav: Hannibal. George Peppard is great. Guys? Here's a hint: Don't ever lock the A-Team in a room that has stuff in it. I don't care if you left a gum wrapper and a toothpick in it. You don't sweep that room out beforehand and those guys will convert that toothpick and wrapper to a neural disrupting ray or sumpin'. I pity the foo. I pity the foo. Mr. T cereal. Bring that back and I'd be satisfied.

Would Aliens be Impressed by Dinosaurs?

One thing I often think about when I see dinosaurs, or pictures thereof, is wouldn't those little aliens known as Greys be impressed? Earth had dinosaurs I would say. 20 feet tall. Teeth like they were going out of style. Runs. Kills things. Roars really loud. Ha ha! What does your planet have to compete with the power of Rex? Or with the speed of Deinonychus? Nothing! Your planet sucks! Of course that's when they would clone them and laugh as they eat us.

Great Pick-Up Line of the Week

I need contributions on this feature so start sending in your pick-up lines. This week's is called "I need a quarter." Go up to a girl and ask her for a quarter. Make it seem urgent. Please, please, please you will say. Then when she says "Fine, here's a quarter", say "Thanks. My mom told me to call her the moment I fell in love." Cool.

Girl Skaters

When I found out that there were girl skaters I almost cried with joy. But then it hit me. How come I've never seen any? Well since then I have had a few sightings of girl skaters. Extremely rare, this subset of the female species usually moves in pairs. That's because guy skaters don't like girls who skate and run them off. But if they're in pairs at least they have someone to skate with. Also they probably feel more secure with a friend around because they do draw attention. I remember once I spotted a great lone girl skater on a side street in Dundas. Carrying her board under her arm. Had the skater uniform and a ponytail. I had to circle back around and look again she was so cool. Whenever I get to thinking about girl skaters it makes me think about this Australian movie I saw once. Everyone was at the beach surfing. Well the guys were surfing and the girls were watching them. Well of course the girls get bored of doing this all day, all month, all year (this is Australia after all) and finally they figure that they should start surfing too. Now in Australia this is serious subject matter apparently. When the girl tries to pick up a board the surf shop owner almost lost it. "Girls don't surf you (here he uses some bad Ozzie word for a girl that I can't remember. It was something like wazzlewonk or a gollygoo or sumpin'.) Well she gets her board and shows up at the beach with her friend there for support. And everyone, including some of the girls, is either falling down laughing or really angry. That's what made me laugh. The guys were genuinely angry at the girl for wanting to surf. But all the other girls were encouraging her so she starts to paddle out. Of course she wipes out a lot because it's her first time but I guess the guys thought it was because she was a girl. Anywho. She does learn and now all the other girls start surfing too. Well, anyway I would love there to be more girl skaters. Hell, I'd settle for girl posers who just carry their board around everywhere.

Update: My friend just had a sighting! It was at the corner of Dundurn and Main. She was on her board riding South and was decked out in full uniform. Had long hair. If this was you or you know who it was then write to Supervixen. Hey, you could achieve cult celebrity status!

More About Me

'Member how I said I felt as though I was an 8 year old in a 21 year old's body? Well, maybe I was too hard on myself. Sure I have 7 different Sailor Moon posters on my wall but the ratio of Sailor Moon posters to non-Sailor Moon posters is still really low. Or high or whatever. And maybe I did have a crush on Usagi but that's been over for a long time now. And tons of older people like it. And yeah, I still read Archie comics. So? And if Jerry still Pez is cool why can't I? Favorite dispenser: Uncle Scrooge. I guess mostly it's that Skull game thing that worries me. And some of the other stuff that I don't want to write here because I think you people know too much about me anyway. Suckers.

Britpop. Rhymes with Shitpop. Scotsoda. Rhymes with not a hell of a lot.

I was suckered into the non-existent new Brit invasion. But thank God I'm out. Thank-you Garbage. Only two bands really worked for me. Oasis and Pulp. Now there are other Brits I like such as Shampoo and St. Etienne but they weren't part of the invasion so.... Otherwise that was a big bust. People, listen to that shit. It's 'orrible. Bands like Supergrass, Lush, Echobelly, and Blur make me so sick. It's the same fucking band people! And they all suck. What a fucking joke! An invasion? That may have happened for some people but a lot of people have no idea what happened save for Oasis and Pulp. Don't fool yourself. No one cares! I remember once I read a review in Ego that made me laugh. The guy was really angry. It was about things we had to do to make this year better musically than the last. Thinks like Hootiecide. Well number 7 or so was A British Invasion. And he writes 'it's not what you think. We invade them! Let them know their amps crank past 5. Tell them we've had enough of their wane, foppish lyrics.' And you know what's really really sad? People who think they suddenly are British now. Just because they think Damon Albar is cool. They wear Umbra soccer shirts and don't wash their hair. Wear big glasses and skinny floods. Loser. Loser. Loser. Please, people, please. Just wait a week or two and everything will be back to normal, with the Brits copying every single thing we do, again. I mean people who are waiting waiting waiting to see Trainspotting. Why? Because it takes place in Edinburgh? I bet a lot you think Edinburgh is in fucking England. Or maybe because the soundtrack is all Brit? I saw an ad for the film Kids in a Brit mag and the line was "Makes Trainspotting look like Jolly Blue Peter" or something. Now I don't pretend to have a fucking clue what the second movie is but I think you get the point. So I hope all you people waiting to see Trainspotting saw Kids first. It did come out first and it takes place in America. Works for me. But back to the music. So many of these bands are just throw-aways. If anyone out there really, truly believes that in 10 years Lush will be around I would love to talk to you. And Echobelly: I Want to do Great Things. So do I. I think blowing up the Echobelly tour bus qualifies. Sleeper. Good fucking name that. Anyway. I really shouldn't be that angry anymore. People have already figured it out that it's shite and it's already on it's way out.

Supervixen v. Megababe

Next to Armageddon, this is the battle I would most like to witness. Just because I would have to see who would win. I think that Supervixen would win, but then again I might be be a little biased. However I took a quick poll and it seems that most people agree that Supervixen would indeed Megababe one on one. In fact, there was even a Shampoo fan who would put money on Supervixen. Write in and vote. But don't stop there. Make your case for who you think would win. Results will be printed in a an upcoming ish. Rock the vote.

Album Reviews

I didn't want to include this section at all. But almost every zine has album reviews. I don't really know why but whatever. Anyway I guess this section will kind of offset the personal character of Supervixen a little.

Princess Superstar. Strictly Platinum. (5th Beetle)
This is good. Yeah. I like this. I like it a lot. I'm listening to it right now in my underwear!

Capgun. s/t (Sound 42)
Huh? Crapgun? Yeah. Didn't like this too much.

The Moog Cookbook. s/t (Restless)
You like Moogs? Then you'll like this. Or maybe you won't.

Jale. So Wound (Subpop)
A couple of good tracks. Cool little case. Not bad. And really just one track you love makes the whole album worth it.

See? Now isn't that silly? What did you learn really? Not a lot I'd wager. And it would be the same if I gave longer descriptions and really tried to write a review. Everyone knows that people who review albums in magazines and stuff like to pretend that they are an authority on the subject. How they get the mystical knowledge they pretend to hold I'll never know. The other thing they like to do is make up funny words and word combinations to make you think they are smart and clever. Don't think so? Here are some honest to goodness quotes from reviews I found around my room:

"an infectious white-boy hip-hop blues ditty."
What's with the adjectives? Here's a fun game to play. Go to the record store and say you're looking for an album but you don't remember the title and you're not sure what section it might be in. When she asks you what kind of music it is tell her it's like this white-boy hip-hop blues thing or maybe a folksy trip-hop rockabilly acid-jazz kinda sound. No, no, it's more of an aggressive rock, new country girl-pop deal. See how long it takes for her to punch you in the face.

"as slow as decomposing buzzard or as loud and energized as a Bugati."
Is this is a good thing or a bad thing? Surprisingly enough, it's a good thing!

"a relentless groove-fest that sounds like Metallica doing Africa Bambaataa covers."
Now I included that last one because think about it. Say you just bought a new album. Say you just bought me the Chemical Brothers Exit Planet Dust, the album the review is for. Now you like it a whole lot. You want to let your friend know how good it is. You're walking down King towards Hess. Do you:
1. Tell him "Man you should get the Chemical Brothers album. It's really good!"
2. Lend him the album so he can hear for himself.
3. Tell him that it's a relentless groove-fest that sounds like Metallica doing Afrika Bambaataa covers! Whereupon your friend tells you to lay off the acid.

If anyone goes out and buys Princess Superstar because I gave it a 'good review' then you have some problems my friend. Just do what I do: if you like the title/like the cover art/hear it at your friends/heard it on the radio/saw a video/got money/like what you hear buy it. I guarantee you won't be lying on your death bed thinking "Man I should not have bought that album back in '96. That was a waste of time. I should have researched it first." If you're that afraid to buy albums because you might not like it remember that you can always sell it or give it away or something. Come on people. Live a little. Discover something new. The Stones never won an award in their lives. Nick Krewen. You're going down.

Knee Socks and a Short Skirt/Kilt

There is no article to accompany this section. The title says it all.

Where to write Supervixen

By now you're probably itching to write me to tell me what a loser I am. Well that's fine with me. But if you're writing to apply for the Supervixen position that's even better. Just a quick note. Maybe I didn't explain myself that clearly before. Surprise, surprise. It doesn't matter what you look like. A Supervixen is a girl with a really cool "I kick ass" attitude who isn't afraid. It's a girl who doesn't care what people think of her or her blue hair or what she says. Lesley Rankine would be a good example of a Supervixen. And I never read the comic or saw the movie but it seems that Tank Girl would be a Supervixen. Shirley Manson would be the best example. She says things that a lot of people might think are unpleasant perhaps. She just says she's a very earthy person. She wants a guy who would let her piss in his bellybutton. Or will kiss her even when she's just been sick. And will honor her bodily fluids. It just so happens however, that Shirley Manson is the most beautiful woman in the world. Get it? Write to:

Supervixen
Hyde Park Ave
Hamilton, ON
Canada

You'll be glad you did. And of course I am always taking contributions so send those in too! And I mean articles and whatnot. Not cash. (If anyone can tell me Shirley Manson's birthdate and give me a verifiable source then you will receive a big surprise. All I know is that she's 29.) I might even give you your very own regular column. How about that? I will even print lettes from people who disagree with me! Think Garbage sucks? Write that down and you will be in the zine! Amazing!

Supervixen
Free
Issue 1.
July 15, 1996
Contributors this ish: 1. Ed.
Published by me.